Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Life Of A Man When He's Serious
What to do, what to do.
Had a really nice chat with my boss today, aka Master Irene. Can't say much bout her, I just asked her about her life at work.
Initially i thought she was just earning some $2000 a month or something, but noooo.
She said her drawing sum was 2400, including cpf was 2700++.
She has been working with the army for like 10 years. Her very first contract was like just 3 years and she draw like 1400 a month, which is actually peanuts.
My initial plan on signing on was just stabilizing my future job and drawing a stable income, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not a demanding person, cause I dare not try too hard nor ask for too much.
People say I'm always giving in, and I always kena bullied. True, but someone has to be bullied right, or else u wan see fighting everyday meh? Guess I'm not as tough as I always mention myself to be. And sad to say, I just keep having a cousin that irritates me with his stupid text messages all over the place, I do have a feeling that the time where he'll grow up will come soon.
From the way I see it, my ORD date's like 14 months away. But seriously, what am I gonna do after that? People I Know who have no $$ can't further their studies, and they have found their talents. People who are furthering their studies, normally know what they want, or they just go about studying some course which they have no frickin idea why they took it.
My point of view is, university costs a bomb, ain't gonna let this kinda $$ pass with just a "Ahh fuck it just get a fucking degree"
But even when i look at that, what do i go for? Seriously sports science?
Does anyone have any fricking idea that i'm just a timid little person who does not really have the confidence to be coaching people? Sure I'm under two coaches, I draw money from them. Not alot but it's still alot, and for both coaches it's a huge difference, but at least these coaches "guide" me when i'm wrong.
I don't have the debating sense. I tried arguing many times, I've always ended up losing. Mind doesn't think fast enough, reasons don't come fast enough, and what my mind thinks doesn't synch with what comes out of my mouth, which results in staggering, i guess that's what u call "nervous".
Debating just doesn't work out for me, not even coaching. the only thing i'm good at is yelling loads of vulgaraties at people.
And really, when I think of the fortune telling that I took when i was 16 (thanks to my dear family), what happened for the previous 16 years came out hell true, and the next 2, well, yeah it turned out pretty fine. And if the next few were true, I'm as good as a condemned personnel.
I really shouldn't be asking for too much, and for some reason i just hoped that fortune book wrote that my death age would be sometime real soon.
The only way I look at how my future might just work out is in the army. This world is cruel, And yes, only the strong survive. I'm strong, by determination, that's about all. I'm kind-hearted by nature, soft, emotional and easily influenced, which turns out to be a really bad combination in the working society.
The only way i figured i could harden my heart is to probably have someone indirectly kill people close to me, which is something i definetely do not want, and any other means just doesn't seem to work. I mean, yeah well, if i get fucked, i just admit i'm fucked up, so unlike the last time where i'll just tell that somebody to fuck off himself.
My entire life's damned. I've tried living in many situations. Life as a hardcore gamer, life without friends, pc as my wife, ps2 as my mistress. And i ended up looking like a hardcore porn man.
Tried living the life of going out everyday, end up spending loads of $, worry my ass off, having my mother scream like nobody's business, and having clashes with timing. No can do
Tried dedicating my life to something i wanna do, tennis, play every single day, only end up looking at this never-seem-to-be-improving piece of shit continuing to swing blindly with his tennis racket.
I've even tried living to be NOT stubborn, whatever people tell me, I take it in and consider. First person I always listened to was JH, and i seriously missed him in a way. He's seriously the only guy who'd fuck me over anything. I mean, even if that made me sad and dissapointed, he still actually directly criticized me over my wrongdoings.
Sjai's the 2nd guy I always listened to, he's a man who knows what he's doing, handles his work well, knows alotta things in this world. But more and more i'm beginning to doubt him. I'm realizing that there are things that people just can't hide no matter how good they are. And whatever the case is, he admits his cockiness and whatever, and he's not guilty of it, he's in fact proud of it, which I have nothing against.
The thing which i just couldn't take, is he's obviously lying to me. I've been having this doubt long enough, and it just gets closer and closer. There's a certain reason why his buddies always seem to change overtime, and i realize, what he says about them is true, but what's more important, is he refuses to accept their bad points as their character, and worst of all, expects them to frickin change without fricking telling them anything.
Same shit applies to me, I'm 100% sure even though he's said nothing. And to think I went through so much honesty to tell him to tell me anything he finds he's not happy with about me, I still get the same shit. We're drifting, I'm drifting, I no longer can feel that friendship in him. When i hang around with him, it seems to me he's just telling me he just fricking dislikes me for a reason which he just won't say, and will act like, jeez nothing's wrong!
I never did realize that I've ended up in a situation where I have no more buddies, no one to hang around with no more. Even with Sjai, it's just cause he's the only one who calls me out, who will sooner or later drive me desperately enough to sort matters out with him. It seems clear to me that something's definetely wrong with me, and until i figure that out, I don't think I want to be added to more black lists.
~Under The Most Desperate Of Situations Is When A Person's Most Vulnerable And Emotional~
~So Steer Clear~
Exhausted N Tired Keong, Biggest Loser In This World
(Did I Do something Wrong In My Past Life That I Gotta Solve This Fricking Challenging Mystery Of Mine?)
Posted by borny @ 12:05 AM
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Monday, January 02, 2006
Insomniaaaaaa. Song Boh~~ What is it this time? Armyyyy!! 1 More Full Year to GO!!!!
Just needa look at the damn calendar. 12 Full months. . . . I really dunno what to say, and I have no idea what will keep me going.
January ain't not a bad start with 3 public holidays and about 4 days of hols, with 1 already taken care of, so it's probably a not-so-bad-start to get me oriented back into the working society. What still pisses me off is the fucking amount I get paid to do the amount of work i'm doing.
Of course it's compulsary so I should not think so much about it or whatever, but I definetely need to plan my After-Work-Schedule so that I can live my life more MEANINGFULLY.
Barrier is my mum though. Anyway it's a pretty good thing that since the time I bought my ikea stuffs at about 300+, I haven't really asked her for any money till now, which has been about 1 month, I think that's a very good start, but also need to take note of the fact that I need not ask for money was cause of the christmas $ + "Pocket Money" earned from sjai.
Army allowance has always maintained my POSB account at a certain level, I always try to maintain above $1000, but one fine day i overspent and it just fell to 900, drastic measures =.=
Next pay came in, got it back to 1200, went to ikea shopping, 360bucks down, fell to 800+, thank god christmas money came in, $400, $200 from sjai, bank in 550 up to 1350, then spend on clothes n normal shopping stuffs down to 1100 i think, but still not bad considering nvr take $ from mother.
Money issue, not such a heavy burden at the moment, still got CNY to talk about, got a new handphone, the V3, thanks to JH's suggestion. It was really good ah, slimness, coolness, whatever. But fucking hell, use speaker function = other party can't hear shit.
Then buttons so small, press also press wrong. Phone ring also can't hear shit, sibei sian ah. But that's about all, huge improvement from my old phone =p.
So countdown, went to JH hse, then realized that zen actually closed down, and most of their "inheritance" ended up at jh's hse. The cups, the stirrer, ice holder, dice, dice shaker or wadeva u call it, even the long long tubes of whatever. The boozes, and the VCDs. I must say WOW, wanted to kope some, but bad ah. I just wondering where can buy the stopper they have, which jh didn't manage to kope any =p.
Long time never drink lor, naturally abit scared. But the cordon bleu or whatever, wahpiangz. I must admit, it was nice leh. Even i think much better than that walker. I think i still have mcuh to learn and try.
Right now, there's alot to think about, the year 2006, once this year ends, marks a very close end to my army days, but I actually have a major problem awaiting me at my ORD date, so I really have no idea if I want to ORD at all anot. "Where should I go?"
From experiences, I can already tell. I don't have the face of a promising person. From experiences with job interviews, discussions, and real-time-suggestions from people, My first projected image to people are always the same. "Nerd, can't accomplish much, no determination, not promising look".
I can't say much, even people look at me from first glance knows me as "unfriendly", even though I'm pretty sure I don't sound unfriendly =p.
So 2006 has begun, whether it's the beginning of a new year, the year that my life ends, or the year that changes me the most, you never know.
This year's CNY theme? Last year sjai got me into sports attire, which was pretty good, just that I looked too informal, which I really didn't give a shit. It was really good and comfy.
This time round, jeans =.=, BLACK SHOES (gh3y), and some stupid top to go with it, undecided, cause I can't get most of the funky ones (Vulgarities, my mum won't stand for them), so i figure getting some collared ones, which will be pretty hard to find. Anyway, just get it over n done with. . . Jeez.
Anyway when I looked at the attire, I only came up with 2 words "CLUBBING ATTIRE" =.=
So i suppose that's this year's theme for Keong.
~ Why are we turning older and older? I seem to have more n more troubles, Jeeez~
Keongstarz
Posted by borny @ 11:24 PM
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