Sunday, August 14, 2005
Time? I think my time's up. No longer have anymore patience, no idea who blew the fuse, but somehow the irritation gauge just rises over anything and everything you can think of, and it's starting to get into my head that everyone's so damn wrong and i'm so damn right, even though i know so damn well that i'm not absolutely correct, if not, not at all correct, with that sentence.
Jh has hit it hard on me, so i'm pretty sure i know what's wrong with me on some aspects of myself right now, so far i've defined it as the "Try-to-think-you-know-so-damn-well-about-humankind-and-end-up-thinking-you're-right-all-the-time" syndrome. Plus another "Dun-tell-people-you-hate-them-cause-Keong's-a-bad-talker-and-will-end-up-losing-anyway" crapshitz.
To make it simpler, it actually just means i'm cocky n self-centered, along with the fact that i don't talk back on things i don't want to do because i'll lose out in talking anyway. It's kinda of a bad concept on me right now that's been at least wiped a little while ago.
And while i'm always up thinking of all these stuffs, i've actually defined myself as wasting loads of time daily, which is when i came up with my 3rd fact that while people are out there reading newspaper, watch TV, learning something new, i'm wasting time thinking into the past, thinking into people's habits and scenes of remembering what they did to me or what i did to them etc. Not only is this UN-constructive, it seems to be the source of my swakooness that's been bugging me for these 20 years. But it's the simple "I can't help it" kind of shit. If anything can stop this, it's got to be the rifle and the bullet. But like since dying doesn't seem to solve anything but end up giving more problems, it's easier to assume that there's no solution.
And one thing that came up from all these. Things just gets more and more tiring when you know your fucking problem but you can't fucking do no shit about it. It's something like a fucking virus in your stupid computer that can't be erased, so what's the least you can do about that stupid computer? You either quarantine that virus, or you isolate the whole com itself, or FORMAT IT!!!! (Formatting doesn't appear to be feasible since it'll be as good as dying).
The closest quarantining software that has helped me so far is the self-lecture notes which i cre8ted myself. For example, while someone out there has been abusing me for a certain reason, I'd think first what he has done for me first. It does work effectively in a way, just that quarantining has side-effects that won't make it 100% effective. Somewhat my mood would be affected, which totally alters the flow of the scene.
Lastly, what i've noticed that it's actually extremely hard for me to find trust in any single person in my life. I've just figured out what my concept of trust actually is, and it may be incomplete, but i'd bet on it that it's at least 20% right. People's concept of trust relates normally to money, my concept of trust, goes to relationship, mainly on how much we have in common. Once I spot the differences in us, they're like barriers that breach my trust in them, which is actually, extremely retarded. . .
So defining these terms of trust, my current buddies all over, are actually just people who i confide in easily and share similar views and opinions, which actually just simply means, they agree with whatever i say in a way, or they rebutt it in a logical way that convinces me. That's a term of trust? And when their ideals differ, so does the brotherhood and all? Do you actually see how the flow goes now? And do you actually realize how retarded it actually is?
Half the lot of people who read this actually know that I've admitted my mistake, even though they say he was 1/2 wrong. I took the blame totally was one thing, not daring to talk to him was another. I just shunned it off saying that I probably destroyed it with my own hands and all, and that i'll let this friendship go so that i can repent, but the actual fact was, do i even want that relationship back? To put it truthfully, my heart just feels so ready to fall out with the entire world, for a god-knows-why reason. There are people who persist, and people who resign to fate. Trying to be optimistic as i am, and i still one of those who cling on to the hands of fate? That is a really big yes.
The only times that i realize i change my fate, was when I am leading. Simply enough, games, even if it sounds stupid, i did lead my regiment to glory, my RO gang to domination of a private server and etc. And apart from that? Fate, Fate, Fate, Fate, Fate, Fate. . . . . .
Posted by borny @ 8:18 PM
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Just a little update, those of you who known, i actually pissed another person off. A girl this time. Only difference is, everyone's telling me to just ignore her since she's just playing the bitch, but heh, being the culprit, letting go wouldn't be really as easy as it seems, but let's just leave it as it is considering what's done is done.
Anyway, considering what i've seen in myself, I've forgotten how to wash clothes, i've forgotten how to fold my damn clothes, i've turned back to my lazy self, throwing everything to my maid and etc, and~ It just means one thing. Knowing it all doesn't mean anything if you don't practice it. Army should drag me back to tekong real soon so that i can re-polish my skills, but that's just an excuse. Being out of the disciplinary section and being in the "i have a maid" section is actually the greater challenge to whether i can actually bother to BOTHER to do my own stuff. It's a good start actually, first thing i noted was taking too much advantage of the car. And being car-less for a week feels like hell, not until today. Actually felt pretty great Being able to SLACK OFF behind the bus, can see girl, can look all over without worrying for obstacles or car banging or whatever.
There's also one thing i want to stress to everybody, that is, your determination. There's always a goal where someone wants to reach. Like This fellar wants at least 3 distinctions, I wanna improve on my tennis and reach national level and etc. Here's the bigger question, how determined are you? Put myself for example, I go and watch people coach, i go coaching, i play tennis, i make sure my skills aren't rusty, i tell myself i AM determined to improve, but do you know that my determination is as good as zero? The fact with my situation, is that I am driven by people. If you have a goal, you achieve it on your own, or with people's help, you don't do it because other people do it or ask you to. Example: Sure i go to training, sure i play when people ask me to. And when people don't? What do i do? Stay at home see porn, go out play arcade n shopping, when i could be smacking with the wall or go do some physical or brush up on my serves. That's not determination. So what i'd like to emphasize is that successful people drive themselves to success, not rely on people to drive their determination to succeed. If you have a will, you'll have a way, If people drive your will, anyone else can manipulate it.
Being my old self now, I seem to actually enjoy getting to know all the fucked up factors about myself, it's a seriously good thing. But it's really not easy to get someone to blow up everything bad about you, except for that recent incident. That was un-intentional, and also I can't really afford to do it anymore, or I might just suffer from mental instability.
Not much more I can say do i? Now do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
When you're in PMS mode, know that the people around you aren't born to entertain your bad attitude, so know when to shut it off~Keong~
Posted by borny @ 11:22 PM
Sunday, August 07, 2005
With an amazing chain of events, I have just noted that i had actually destroyed a fucking friendship with my own hands.
Not much i can actually say, but from what i read. . . .
Well car problems again, money-wise, he does have a point though, and i actually did forget that in the past i no car we also still hang around. Even more was i didn't realize he actually called me out cause he was worried i felt left out. So in the end, it wasn't me suiting him, rather the other way round.
"i am not onz la.. spoiler and so on la.. u say u are one that will not leave ur friend behind.. ya i know.. but after not leaving them behind.. u become angry sad or even unhappy.. then let me ask u.. WHAT IS UR POINT ??? being noble?? wanna be hero?? be somebody??"
This part, uh. . . Ok, trying to be submissive as per normal, people just find it offending, tend to be the pattern of a loser? I suppose. . .
"u are so noble.. u wanna stop a fight.. u could have scold me but u didnt.. and then?? U WRITE ON THE BLOG TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD but not me?? u call this friend?? u expect me not to reply.. ah ha.. in fact i think u didnt even think i will READ IT that's y u write it to tell the world how nice of u trying not to fight??"
I think this was the worst part, i think the biggest fuckup i ever did. Which was blogging to tell the whole world but not him. . . . Not that i'd even think of that when i did it, but what's done is done, *shrugs*, too late for regrets.
Well, need not talk about the rest, they're all, kinda true. Or fucking true, actually. Bugger's helped me so much, I don't even dare to talk to him right now. And the last 2 words probably meant that i stupidly destroyed a 2 1/2 year old friendship.
Learnt a huge lesson on this one, and let's just hope i don't repeat something dumb like that again. At least now i've got some massively harsh comments about me to think about. . . That's all i've got to declare. How do i approach him now? God knows, I don't even dare try. Maybe i'm just a wimp like he says, what to do. . .
But one thing for sure, better start watching what i type in my bloggie. THink i got used to it when i used blogs to whine about my family n all =X.
~Dumbasses tend to just remain as dumbasses no matter how hard they try~
Posted by borny @ 11:43 PM
Thursday, August 04, 2005
U know, newspaper came out an article about blogs mentioning that they were really dangerous websites of passing information about with all the gossips going left and right. Mine is one such great example, but it just really felt best venting your anger out in blogs anyway.
And today was a pretty bad day considering I nearly dragged 2 people along with me to hell on the road. God knows what i was thinking. Saw e stop sign, ok i stopped, moved out slowly, saw clear~, went driving out, suddenly see taxi shooting in, my mind just came "Aiya fuck, step on accelerator liao, brake for fuck" and then i press harder -_-. Thank god that fucker change lane if not i'd be in hell by now. And probably with 2 families throwing curses and swears at my family for dragging their siblings down along with me.
As for Mr Leong over here, I really didn't expect any reply as i probably just typed it out for the anger venting as per normal, but from what you said, i really doubt it's the issue of friends drifting apart. It's more to me on why you don't put yourself in my shoes. Who knows what kind of shit you get in the army. Everyone has their days, you don't look like you had one, but you just had to throw that comment along. Picture yourself in the situation where you just ask me if i had a car, i say yes, we get to some location, and you just decide we get here, and ok we go there, n what? You're probably unhappy i wasn't so on with whatever you guys are doing or whatever other reasons, but it seriously felt offensive when I just went along with your plans and i had to hear that kind of thing from you.
I'm not one to directly scream, and you know how much you've done for me. Not that i'm about to forget that, but do try and put yourself in my shoes. That comment seriously wasn't very nice at all. I'm having enough trouble trying to save my family's money with the petrol and shit and all, but at the same time trying to make it convenient for my friends, even if you're unaware, that was my serious intentions. If not i would seriously just ask mikey to fuck off and take his own fucking bus ride home. I'm seriously not one to throw my friends to fend for themselves even if they stay so damn far away. It's a family in-born gene anyway.
Nuff said anyway, everyone has their views, you know i'm direct anyway.
Good news is, Signal store stock take 100%~ Thank god.
Guess there's no other good news. Things just keep flowing in my head, it's just another of those days, but i'm really tired of army. The only thing that's keeping my sanity is the stupid childishness i inherited from sjai and my full utilization of it on my entire store -_-. So at this moment they think i'm just a stupid fucking childish kid, and not that it feels great, at least it keeps the fucking spirit up. How long more can i keep it up anyway -_-.
Oh and Bryne came into my dept today -_-. What the hell, small world . . . .
*Everything happens for a reason, I just wonder why i have so much luck in this world*
Posted by borny @ 11:48 PM