Monday, February 28, 2005
Don't really know what to say.
Can't really express my feelings.
I'm having a nervous breakdown (What's new?)
Why am I saying this (Cause i feel like i'm such a retard?)
Army's drawing near (That's not really the problem)
I feel crappy (Cause i am)
Ok Nuff shitz.
I met up with the ROelite gangsters and they turned out to be a pretty fine gang to hang around with. For some reason, i wasn't my usual quiet self and ended up becoming the madman of the day.
So who did i see? Well the ROelite gang duh. Ricky didn't have the head to show up cause he dropped it at some pub the day before.
E33boy amazingly has a pretty cute girlfriend for 4 years and he looks pretty dumb in a way, yet cool in another. That's what you call stupidly adorable? =D
Melvin Tan had a face, height and expression exactly similar to a friend of mine until he just looked like his younger brother (Super sunday~ Chao ji Ming Xing Lian~)
Mana looked pretty cool, just that he just needed to stop posing as a girl.
Makiyo too, though he doesn't look cool.
Kelvin? . . . I hate smokers, go to hell =p. Nah no offence =p wahahahaha
Just in case any of you haven't gone to causeway point. Well, don't. Western food there is so damn cool. I've seen places serving chicken cutlet which is just purely skin and whatsoever, but you gotta hear this out.
E33boy ordered fish n chips, took a bite over the thick looking piece of fish, and what we saw was that it was HOLLOW inside. The size was large enough to stuff french fries in it. That was goddamn amazing, putting Hot, fresh AIR as fillings!
Well nothing interesting up there, but i do have more nonsense to talk about. I went back to gardens today to check on my old tennis team, and i found this damn inhumane-old friend of mine who hit 11 A1's during his O levels. YES WHAT tHE HELL
11 SUBJECTS and 11 A Ones. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He's gotta be a god or inhuman.
Everyone seems to be waiting for their O level results tomorrow, so what can i say? All the best and whatsoever, i'm turning off my handphone in case some retards have the mood to cry their results to me.
I'm counting down my army days. . . 40 days exactly from now.
well who would believe the "I can't wait" part. I'm not really desperate to go in anyway.
Somehow i've been thinking bout those girls in australia, how they're doing, whether they're dead or not, etc. I guess i miss them. Not that i want to anyway, just that their usual noisy personalities gets into my mind at times, and makes me smile or laugh like an idiot in the MRT or bus. You don't get many girls as retarded as them, and i gotta say, i'm missing it sia.
What can i say? I guess being alone says it all. Starts to feel lonely, thinks all the dumb shit, and writes blogs. Guess that's me =D.
I need a life, someone needs to kick some sense into me.....................
Posted by borny @ 4:26 AM
Monday, February 14, 2005
The bored-at-all-times is back again with yet another interesting topic.
This one will be somewhat scary though, so . . uhhhm . . . For those who are super sensitive, Do not read!
Wahaha so what is this scary topic all about.
Death!! Xi liao!!!
I just happened to be having my normal night of trytosleepearly mode, and everyone could have guessed, obviously it failed. I was staring at the ceiling in total darkness in that particular room, and i was thinking about, army! If i were to die out there and all the nonsense.
First thought i had was all the bullets piercing through my eyes, legs, whatever. That's got to suck, that's got to hurt fucking badly, but from what i think, we'll get used to it overtime.
Next thought was a grenade flying straight to me and my body blown to bits, boy that'd be cool, instant death without pain.
Then came the actual mystery. What happens when you die?
Duh, some says you become spirits and go to heaven/hell and dunno do what there, reincarination and all that nonsense, but who actually knows the real truth? No one.
I had this image of my grandmother who passed away peacefully in bed quite awhile back. What she looked like was she was soundly sleeping, just that we all knew it was an eternal sleep, that she would never wakeup anymore.
So my next thought was myself sleeping! Yeah when you're extremely tired, you fall into deep dreams, and when you're not so tired, your mind just goes to a blank, and before you know it, next morning!
So the "mind goes to a blank" made me break out into cold sweat and turns into a major fear when i actually wondered if i'd never wakeup. It's like, your mind goes dead, and stays black forever, you no longer exist in this world? You'd never see this world ever again? Where does your "mind" or "soul" actually go to? If there's actually such a thing.
Of course if anyone can prove that you have a spirit and that it goes to heaven/hell after you die, that'd be so much more assuring, but who can prove that? If there is no such thing? You'd just dissapear from this world forever, only having your close ones remember about you.
So what's true and what's not anyway? I'm sure some of you should have read true singapore ghost stories and all that stuffs, how many of you actually believe it? Some people can see ghosts, while some can feel it.
Actually from what i believe, everyone can feel ghosts, it's just the feel of how sensitive they are. Like me, who actually has a high level of sensitivity, tends to get distracted by external signs easily.
I believe everyone can see ghosts too, depending on their eye intensity, this might be a little hard to explain, but it's a little like, well, somewhat like computer graphics card. How cool the graphics get depends on how well the graphics card portrays it. I would assume the same goes for the eye, except that it's natural somewhat. My eyes will be close to a damaged graphics card so it's somewhat damaged to such a bad extent i can't even see tennis balls properly, so i doubt i can even see ghosts.
I've seen a TV show on TV mobile about being able to communicate with ghosts through the whateveryoucallit sounds from a television. (they used a pretty chim word for it, can't remember).
I've also seen an article online before that there is a way to videotape ghosts, and that's to leave the television on and videotape the normal grey messy screen that "channel-less" channels will normally show. I know i'm lousy at explaining, but the screen i'm talking about is the screen displays nothing but grey and it just keeps messing up all over.
Leave the video-camera videotaping that screen and they say you can see ghosts in that videotape. The same logic applies in the TV show, they use some sort of machinery that somewhat amplifies the sound of the grey telivision screen (You know the grey TV screen gives nothing but a noisy sound) and they can make it audible. I also got a shock when i heard the "messy background noise" that they translated out but is within hearing range. One of the messy sounds were saying "I Love you" While the other one went "Get out of my house". Damn it sure was suprising.
All these had made me believe that spirits do exist and they are able to communicate with humans through the technology generated in a TV! I heard you can do the same for a computer monitor. Don't know how though, since monitors don't show the grey messy screens and produces that noisy sounds. You can try, it's kinda creepy looking at this monitor and typing right at this very minute ahha.
So back to the "WhenIDie" topic. Although we can just believe we'd never wakeup forever and vanish in this world forever, I'd apply it more towards the fact that we'd still be alive somewhat, except that we'd also no longer exist.
Difficult to understand? Yeah let's rephrase it. Assume a person, in this case, me lah hor. Wong Weng Keong. Aged 19++, Male, retard, dumbass and a pieceofshit.
And picture this guy again, getting hit with amnesia. He knows no shit about himself. It's like he's a totally newly born person who starts his life at 19+. His memories might still be in his mind but blocked somewhat.
I would assume if we were to die, our next life would be similar. We'd have totally no memories of our previous lives, meaning we're controlling another life, another mind, so my logic is to say that when we die, we no longer exist in this world except for our soul, and our memories get wiped as we take on a new life.
Of course, this leads to more mysteries. Population has always been increasing since life ever began, no one knew how life started as well, so where do the new "minds" come from?
It might also be possible that we'd just fall into an eternal dark sleep forever, and that's my greatest fear. Though many people have already gone through it, i still don't feel good thinking about it anyway.
That's the end of what i have to say about this topic. . . . . It might be scary to some, it might not be to others. It all depends on how you view life as it is.
KehTarDoZ~ Born with a brain ~ Living like he ain't got one~
Posted by borny @ 5:20 PM
Saturday, February 12, 2005
The next one has just left to seek out her future~
Unfortunately i would never expect this time round to be much more dramatic than the first.
Liping, I know you'll be reading this anyway. I guess you've been crying the previous night over us, and we have cried for you at the airport, though the guys put on a tough look on the outside, i'm pretty sure they were crying inside, obviously that includes me.
Die die must get your degree, get liao continue to further, get PH.D! Then we call u Professor Wee! (wheeeeeeeee)
When u come back u can call me coach keong =D. Wahahaha
Boss Leong~ Coach Keong~ Professor Whee~ what's for chris hmmm. Lao Ban Niang Goh Bah wahahahaha.
We're here for you ah, dun you even think of giving up. I'll do the same lah, so we'll see who can scold who at the end =).
Har har har it's only 3-4 years (1424 days the most, no kick lah).
Must have been hard of you to endure with my vulgur mouth and harsh tongue when it comes to talking, but i do know you get my meaning anyway. . . So nothing else to talk about =). See you in a long time~
And i swear when we karaoke, we'll scream loud enough till you can feel our warmness ~ (Although i wonder when we'll actually go -_-)
GG~ <---Good Game aka all the best in keong's term =D
Posted by borny @ 10:13 PM
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Heya creeps. . . Boring day once again, don't feel like sleeping, too much on my head.
Just felt like typing more nonsense. So here goes.
As some of you might have known, the first of the fellars have left for overseas studying. . And another happened to be unable to sleep cause she's thinking of the future. I've been thinking the same, and there's nothing i really plan to do about it. I understand what going with the flow of nature means, and i also understand what carving out your own path means, but i just don't seem to do it right, because i'm not even bothering to do it.
I really wonder what my future will be, though i'm aiming to be a tennis coach in the near future, i'm already having doubts about it. Sure everyone has their doubts, and i know my own, since i'm such an "understanding" person, knowing people around me and all the shit, hell, does that even matter now?
So what's my doubt, as far as none of you might have known due to my extreme circumstances of trying to hide it, i'm actually a very shy person who just ends up blushing in front of a girl, especially any i don't know.
Measures taken? Don't look at them, sure i've done that long enough, i'm fucking reaching 20, and i'm still doing it. Talk about sheer cowardice, i'm suprised i even had two relationships up my brain and i'm still worried about the 2 of them.
This might be the most interesting story you fellars have heard from all this blogging anyway.
Sure, the first one, it's kinda true i fell in love with her, AT FIRST SIGHT. Somewhat the same thing happened to her, sad to say, she initiated it, not me, and i blew the relationship up as well, under forced circumstances and other sorts of nonsense. The point is, I did not say anything.
And the second, she said it too, gave it a try, made me fall in love with her, then acted like a bitch, so i threw it out.
I don't know how long my damn heart's been aching thinking back on all these pieces of shit, and obviously, any one of you could tell i'm such a wimp after reading all these. It's kinda weird but common that i can get into a fight without caring a shit and become such a little-white-face (translate in chinese) when it comes to having relationships.
So what am i saying? My fear of taking the initiative has shown out in most of my coaching sessions. I've been pretty much not focusing on coaching, or rather, afraid to talk -_-? Well call that crowd fright or whatever, i've been leading groups for quite awhile, i'm pretty fine with "crowds", with the exception of if there are no girls around.
Bo initiative, coach sai. I've got news of shitloads all over the world coaching and sorts, but when will they understand, i'm out for the performance, not the fucking $$$. Get the fucking $$$ and do a shit job, what kinda satisfaction is there?
So what's the situation now? You guys can never believe i've been in love with this girl for 3 years without saying a single piece of my feelings to her, when she actually said those 3 words to me before, though i seriously doubt she meant it. Until now i'm still having my doubts, and i always feel like crying, but I only cry when i see something touching, and not when any part of me feels very painful -_-.
What am i supposed to do now? I've gone through pri and sec school in an all boys school, took me a hard time to adapt to poly, got a few girls around me left and right, but it doesn't really help my personality somewhat, seems to be embedded inside and can't be changed.
Here's one more nice little secret that just proves to you what a retarded piece of shit i can be. I doubt even Boss knows of it.
Open up my little drawer now and u can find a nice little piece of crystal heart that costed me $59.90, bought it when i was sec 2 meant for that first girl's birthday, and guess what! Chickened out last minute and changed present. That's 6-7 years back already -_-.
My whole family's always asking me when i'm gonna get a girlfriend, I'm surrounded by couples all over and they always call me out, with their partners, of course, leaving me as the odd-one out. And duh, I don't seem to care, but sometimes i really wonder if i'm lagging behind.
Best of all, i know how much everyone's trying hard to get me a girlfriend, i can tell you i'd be so desperate i'd go for just anyone who satisfies my basic criteria, but i'm enduring, you guys can just leave me alone cause the feeling's not there. Seems like i gotta break through this problem myself.
Being openminded was never part of my life, if there's a girl i'm gonna go for, that's the girl that leaves me no doubts to go after her. That's all i can say about my love life. Let's wait till the time comes when i meet this "Almost-never-existing" girl and see whether i got the fucking balls to go and initiate it anot.
Oh yeah, probably last thing i can tell you guys, and girls better listen to. Don't choose me, my mind's in a mess, funny why last year i started taking a liking to so many girls at one shot, i just feel like a bloody flirt. I guess it just means i'm desperate. . . Life feels dumb feeling that way, at least i'm honest, that's something to be proud of.
Let's hope army will change me somewhat, make me more mature, keep me out of girls, let me experience more, or even die there, whatever. I'm never turning gay anyway, but i believe i can remain single all the way.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Keongtardz ~ Dowan Call Myself Loser Liao, Doesn't Even Suit Me Now, I'm Like A Whiner, but one that can only bear to whine in his blog. Quite a feat to keep it bottled up for all these years. . .
Posted by borny @ 2:13 AM